yes life is...

...confusing, tough, diffcult.

so i again havent posted for a while, lifes being throwing things at me from all angles, battling them off doesnt seem to be the soultion to the issue, ive gotta get down to the root. theres been so many times in the past few weeks, when ive wanted to weep but had no tears, or when ive had to hold tears back cause im in public. so whats battling at me? my own stuff i should leave beind i guess, friends with problems coming from all directions. well we all know whoose having a go at me, reality is starting to sink in that YES i have commited another year to Vancouver, as i start to fill in forms for visa renewal and the task ahead starts to daunt me... responsable for a team, fun yes, scary yes, exciting yes, can i do it yes with God's help. but first i have to get through the summer in england alive.. weddings, clashes with dates, beach trips, catching up with old friends, being their for them, sorting out my own issues, training keeping up with life in vancouver, summer is going to be full pelt! plus i need to raise awareness of my financal situation for next year - erm no money - and the need for prayer and covering.

i blogged a while ago about intergity and purity in all aspects aspects of your life, right now im standing on the edge peering into a huge deep hole, which should be filled by a mentor/accountbilty partner or whatever you call it. failing at one of my biggest 'pet' loves is not an easy task. walls have been built long ago to protect me from people gettting close and old wounds being brought up and dealt with. yeah i used to open up to all of 2 very special people - both from the same family ha ha- but for a while now, even long before i left england ive being putting my self in this huge metal protective bubble, ridding my self of any need/want/desire to sort my life out and get back on path. God's hinted a few times since i left england of his desire for me to sort stuff out for once and for all, to throw it away and to stop the ties bringing me down, but i just cant seem to pay attention for long enough and run away scared in the other direction, how many times has he told me to go sit on the beach and reflect on his wonder and goodness but i have always found an excuse to not go. the plane jounery back to england was a wake up and again i felt this huge urge to get stuff sorted but then the guilt kicked in and i never let anyone see the true effect it had on me. its like i cant deal with stuff, i have to be strong. ok admitted i havent found anyone i can open up to, but that shouldnt stop me i should seek to form the relationships right? things really hit home when tom, amy and i went through my report - long story tom was like so late with the 1st term, that we did 2 together therefore we had a meeting anyhows - it was uncomfortable i hated every second, expect when he had something critical to say about me, which i could then accept, agree on and in the long become a better person right, the issue was the good stuff, odd as it may seem, i just cant accept it, i look at it as lies..it was the most diffcult thing ever, and mulling it over since i see some areas which need to be addressed before i can even really see the report of what its worth, it will be a long tough hard jounry but worth every minute. lonely, stressful, agonising, painful, hurtful, refreshing, renewing, but i cant do it alone, i need your prayer, guidance, comfort and knowledge. i cant go on with this stupid 'im ok' face on all the time. i look back over the years and think oh my gosh how far have i come, i cant believe it, then i think crap i havent gone far at all, i still battle with thoughts of s.h, though i get know where near it, someone once said the flash backs are the worst, how honestly can i say i agree.

on a brighter note, yesterday was amazing, i went to Langely (my first time) with anne and dennis for annes nephew - brad and devin's baptisms, awesome, worship took me right back home at the first song, then i moved switfly back to canada, but felt at home again after more english songs lol! then an afternoon in the sun eating and drinking wine woot wooot! specialness :) THEN a drive through - 'country roads' to white rock... oh the green, lambs, cows, horses!! woop finally after all this time some green! i thought i was in heaven! i knew i missed the countryside but not never much until we where driving through the wind in my hair even though they had poxy little bends!

pais and youth are awesome as ever, making me tick and get up in the morning :) i just love building relationships with the students and i am sad to say that in 6 weeks we wont be in eric hamber as Pais::Westside as tenth ave church is leaving me to go to Pais::Eastside! humpf is all i can say to that lol!

i dont quite know the point of this blog, i high hopes for it but they dwindled! maybe just maybe i will add more i do feel like i need to add something!


OHHHHHH!!!! I am staying in the uk a week longer in the summer, in town untill the 18th August.. and guess what Im flying FIRST CLASS to training in Dallas!!!! WOOOOO!! i love my dad :)